Monthly Archives: March 2015

I have been working very hard on my book.  Some of you know I have been working on this in some way, shape, or form for many many years.  Now that I have created more time in my life I am full steam ahead. I want very much to provide a book that helps people really identify shame, challenge it, and have tools to move out of the shame and into peace.  So, what I am working on is the form the book will take.  I have several ideas and will list them here:

1.  A day by day for healing.  I have the idea of creating a spiral of topics.  Each month I will spiral the same topics, but take them deeper and deeper each month.  By the end of the year there will be 365 very clear thoughts, and exercise to accompany them.

2.  A chapter book that takes each of the components of healing shame and works within a more traditional chapter book.

3.  A “course” in healing shame.  It would be somewhat like a workbook.

4.  A day by day in a “course” format.  It may not be 365 of them.

My passion is to have people truly understand shame and how it is built on a platform of false beliefs that cause great pain and distress.  It is in the fabric of our culture and family systems.  We need to challenge it at its very roots to build a different paradigm in which to live.  I believe it is necessary in order for us to have the “peace” in our world that people say they want.

So, if you have any comments or feedback or preferences for the format of the book, I would love to hear them.

Thank you.

Hello

I have been reporting about the “fire walk”.  The show was on Sunday and I am happy to say that I did it and absolutely enjoyed it.  I faced my fear of singing in public.  What was amazing to me was the process.  I started out thinking I would learn to sing.  What ended up happening was having the realization that I did not have to sing well to do what I wanted to do.  I reclaimed my voice in all its imperfection.  I cannot tell you how healing it was.

Shame is lead by perfectionism.  It basically says that you have to be really good at something so you don’t make a fool of yourself.  Well, it lies.  We get to do what we want and enjoy our lives whether we are good at something or not.

I feel free.  I don’t have to prove myself or be a great singer to sing.

Yes!!

There is a lesson in  “A Course In Miracles” which says:

“I want the Peace of God

The Peace of God is everything I want

The Peace of God is my one goal, the aim of all my living here, the end I seek

My Purpose and My Function and My Life

While I abide where I am not at home.”

It goes on to say that:” to say these words means nothing, to mean these words means everything.”

I am one of those people who says that I want peace, more than anything.  Yet, when I make others wrong, or fight for my opinion, or grump my way through a day, or think horrible things about a driver, or other person, and on and on and on…   I am not truly living my words.

I am striving to think peaceful, loving thoughts about myself and others.  It doesn’t make me a bad person when I fall short of this goal, but it gives a direction to my life that I want to move in.  If the word God is not what you want, then take it out and say, “I want Peace.”  To live in this way is different than living in shame.  It makes our world less about shame and more about love.  I can only do what I can do, but I am responsible for what I think and how I behave.  I so want peace.

The “sweetness” in me beholds the “sweetness” in you.

The “light” in me beholds the “light” in you.

The “highest” in me beholds the “highest” in you.

Saying any of these moves us in a direction other than shame.  When we are mirroring our shame based world we usually are saying something akin to, “the worst in me beholds the worst in you.”  We grow up being taught to be discerning.  What that often means is to make sure you notice if someone is leading you down the wrong path or is about to hurt you or take advantage of you.  So, we look for the worst in others.  Well, I am not saying to walk down dark allies, or to not have an awareness of evil intent.  What I am saying is:  “When you are seeking to be more loving in this world, seeking to be in relationship, then look past the surface to the “sweetness, light, highest” that is in everyone”.  If I seek that, look for that, watch for that, then I must first see it in myself.  I extend from that point and find that outside.

The way we live in this world, at least until we truly on a conscious healing path, is the exact opposite of loving.  We are pulled off love by failing to look  beyond the surface of others, or self.

I can take care of myself and have discernment and still look for, or seek, the best in others.  If you did this for awhile, starting with yourself, you would begin to see through completely different eyes and see a very different world.

What if the essence of who we are, and everyone is, is love?  What if we looked for that and took care of ourselves from that perspective?

(Challenge- Next time you are around someone who seems particularly difficult, say  to yourself:” the highest in me beholds the highest in you.”  Just notice what happens.  Be curious.)

Good Morning

I am experimenting with writing in the am as opposed to pm.  Let me see how fresh I really am!

So, what if for this day you acted as if you were absolutely worthy and enough?  In truth you are.  So you really aren’t acting but are stepping into your truth!

What would be different if you lived your life this way?  I am going to do a brainstorm list- just see what comes out of my pen.

If I acted as if I were worthy and enough I would:

• Feel more joy
• Make decisions without second guessing myself
• Feel confident and self assured
• Feel a sense of having a place in this world
• Feel like an adult
• Know that I have rights
• Look at myself with respect
• Ask more questions and get more answers
• Have a sense of completion
• Trust myself and the world
• ABSOLUTELY feel more peace
• Give myself many choices and feel good about the choices I make
• Give myself respect
• Give others more respect
• Cease arguing
• Feel empowered
• Look for the sweet innocence in myself and others
• Feel more joy
• Respect your rights
• Feel more grounded
• Find my purpose, trust that, and live from that
• Smile more
• Stop trying to prove myself and just let myself BE

That is a quick list and it feels really true.

So, the daily challenge is stay conscious of the truth:  WHETHER I BELIEVE IT OR NOT I TRULY AN WORTHY AND ENOUGH!

Have a peaceful day friends!

Hi there!

I am a little excited tonight.  I am close to singing in the Pyromaniac Cafe this Sunday.  I have worked so very hard at learning a different language (working with a back-up band), learning my lyrics, oh- and learning to sing.  I have fire walked fears and am ready.  I am more than ready.  I am excited.  I have moved past caring if I make a mistake or look foolish, to just wanting to sing and have fun.  That is quite a big accomplishment for 5 rehearsals.  Now, I can imagine the night of the performance I will have dry mouth and be nervous.  But, I am doing it.

What does this have to do with my shame blog?  Well, go back to my March 5th blog and it will make more sense.

The older I get the more dedicated I feel to just being who I am, quirks and all.  I don’t feel like shame leads the way.  I am having fun, challenging myself, not really letting the “should” or the “they say” make one iota of difference.  It is quite freeing.

Showing up at the fire walk, the Pyromaniac Cafe, stopped being about singing and started being about having fun and checking off another bucket list item.

Yes!!!

The lovely part of healing our shame is learning to live in the strength and power of who we truly are.  When shame leads the way we live in the shadow land of  “should” and other peoples templates of what is right for us.  As we continue to shed the shame we become more and more aware of our own personal truths.  We begin to see what we feel and need and want and dream.  As that “truth” leads the way we become more and more personally empowered to live out those truths.

One of the things that happens when we are little and shame becomes very established in our being we stop dreaming.   We don’t think we are worthy of the dreams we have conjured up.  We get told that we aren’t smart enough or good enough or worthy of these dreams.   So, we let them go.

In my office I have often asked people what their dreams are, only to be met with a blank stare or unknowing.  We loose a part of ourselves when we don’t dream.

My challenge to you is to take a long, meandering walk in a safe place where you don’t have to be really aware of your surroundings, and let your mind drift.  Ask yourself:  “what if I could do or be anything I wanted?  What would that be?”

Jana Steinfield  wrote and performs a song:  “If I Were Brave”.  In fact, this is the song I am singing this Sunday in the Pyromaniac Cafe that I mentioned a few blog posts ago.  Go to You Tube and Google it.  Listen to the words and let yourself dream you are brave.

Don’t scare yourself thinking now you have to or “should” do something about these dreams.  Just start by letting yourself dream.

Namaste

In order to bring shame into healing we need to be aware we are in shame.  I am going to write a short list of indicators that one is most likely in “shame.”

1.  If one is experiencing being “stuck”.  Often our shame has us in a double bind or a shame bind where we believe we should do this or that.  When we only have 2 choices we are usually not truly in choice, but are caught between a rock and a hard place (shame).  We need to open up into all the choices that are possible to release from this “stuck” spot.

2.  If one is cycling in a self-defeating behavior.  As we move into a shame cycle we always move into a self-defeating behavior.  It can be addictions, an inner critic that leads the way, compulsive behavior that is  a distraction but not a help, etc.

3.  If you “can’t not” do something.  Often on the heals of the “self-defeating ” behavior we move into a behavior that we know is not good for us, or is not helping us, but we can’t not do it.  We can often see a choice that would be helpful, but are unable to do it.

4.  If you are living in a SHOULD.  Some of my earlier blogs talk about the word should.  I will be so bold as to say that if we are in a should or shouldn’t we are in shame.  We are not living from our truth but from a belief that comes from outside of self that is dictating the behavior.  If we change the should to could, we will in all likelihood be able to make a choice for self that moves us out of shame and into our truth.

5.  If you are in a defensive posture.  When our shame is triggered we move immediately into a defensive posture.  So, when you are defensive, look for what your shame is telling you.

6.  If you can’t get in touch with a feeling or need without feeling badly about yourself.  Many times we feel shame about having certain feelings and needs.  Therefore, when we have the feeling or need we feel shame.

These are some indicators of shame.

Shame is an illusion.

That may feel like a really strong statement.  However, what is really strong is the illusion of shame.  From the time we are born we start believing that we are damaged goods.  Then we spend the rest of our life trying to prove we are good enough.  One of our major religions talks about “original sin”.   So we start out with that belief.  It isn’t just a Catholic thing.  It is a people thing.

So, what if Shame is the opposite of what is true?  What if we are, in the essence of our being, only love, only perfection?  What if, the truth is, we are born in the perfect likeness of God?  Then Shame is the opposite of what is true.

Years ago I watched a movie called, “Cocoon”.  There was a scene where beings from a different galaxy thought they were alone, so they unzipped the skins they were wearing that made them look human.  Inside they were this incredible light.  What if that is the same for humans?  What if the body we wear is just a coverup for the essence of who we are.  We get distracted by our bodies and the not so nice things we do to each other.  But, the essence of who we are is not that body or what we do.  The essence of what we are is love.  Love created like itself.

What we need to do is remove the blocks we carry in our thoughts and in our beliefs that keep us from seeing our own essence and the essence of others.  The essence in me beholds the essence in you.  We have it completely backwards here.  We think we are the bodies and the terrible things we do to ourselves and others.  When we take our blindfolds off we see that Shame is the illusion.

The illusion is very strong.  We have a very hard time believing that we are lovable, good enough, adequate, lovable, worthy, etc.   We have to challenge ourselves to turn away from the illusion to the compassionate love that created us like itself.

We have to challenge ourselves to look past our behavior and the behavior of others to the love that is the essence of who we are.  When we look into our own eyes in the mirror we look deep into the soul, the essence, the love that is there.

We don’t need to prove ourselves as worthy, enough, lovable, or adequate.  We get to know that and never question that again.  What we need to question is the shame which we have believed for so long.

Shame is an illusion.

We are not shame.  We are love.

Ok- So this is actually happening.

All of my life I have been told I could not sing.  It always confused me because I sang so well in cars or when my dog and I were hanging out.  I have always loved singing.

So, recently I took a challenge.  There is a woman in Albuquerque who teaches singing.  Once a year she takes 12 people and works with them on singing.  Only, we only work for 5- 2 hour- blocks.  Yup- 10 hours together.  That is for 12 people.  You do the math.  At the end of this each person performs 2 solos in front of a live audience of at least 120 people.  The performance is called, “Pyromaniac cafe”.  It is a fire walk.

I took the challenge.  I want to sing.  I am sick to death of my shame telling me I will make a fool out of myself.  As if that matters.  I am beyond caring what my perfectionism demands of me.  I want to sing.  I don’t need a record contract or to go on American Idol.  I just want to get past the point where I am self conscious of my singing.  I want to belt out a Christmas carol and have fun.

So, I am one rehearsal away from the performance and it has been a kick-a__ experience.  I have felt sick to my stomach, cried, thought of quitting, felt so sad, and been excited beyond excitement.  I am doing this.  I am going to walk through my vulnerability, letting myself be mediocre, and having fun.

I have truly had enough of this shame getting in the way of me doing things I want to do.  I have faced many of these in my life, and this is by far the scariest.  Maybe because it is so public.  Maybe because it covers my joy.  But- I am doing it.

On the Ides of March, in Albuquerque, I am performing at the Pyromaniac cafe with 11 other brave women.  Just wanted you to know!